Valentine's Day '08

Well, I did promise this blog would be a transparent, open and honest exposition of my life... a naked rendition of the truth of how things really happen and how life goes down. My goal is to help encourage somebody along the way to understand that we all go through 'rough patches' but we are protected and provided for by the grace of God.

None of us 'goes thru' alone, and none of us are unique in our circumstances, yet we are all survivors. My intent is give you hope, in which you can find help and ultimately healing. I debated and bartered with the truth to let me leave this alone but in order to work thru my own imperfections, as well as to assuage the hurt of recent events in my life, I must share the truth. Not for the innate TMZ.com-ness in us, but for the cathartic effects telling the truth gives to the spirit, for the Word says, the truth shall set you free.

Here I am on Valentine's afternoon, no date, no flowers, no gifts, on the couch, watching 'Matched In Manhattan' on the Lifetime channel, all by myself and I'm enjoying it! HELP! Somebody call ESPN for me, I need an ALL DAY NFL PASS! Now, normally, this would not be a problem for I treasure my 'me time.' I give so much of my time to others, that pure and extended 'me time' is invaluable to me. I love it and I look forward to it. There is something about the solace of being able to be by yourself and being cool and at peace with it. To be alone with your thoughts and feelings without distractions or interruptions is sometimes a daunting thing, but most times a grounding thing. Sadly, most of us do not like being alone with ourselves, because deep down inside we do not like ourselves. Hence, we always have to have something 'on', the radio, the television, a DVD, CD or even now adays it's the computer. Email has replaced entering into the presence of God. MySpace has replaced 'HisSpace' and Facebook has replaced 'Facetime' with ourselves and with God. We always have to be 'somewhere' where there is something going on to keep our minds off of ourselves. We always have to be with 'somebody' because we can't stand to sit in silence and face ourselves. There is never any literal, quality 'quiet time' spent with ourselves or even our God. I enjoy being alone. However, this time is different for me because I would not be alone in this particular instance were it my choice. But, I have come to understand that much like a patient undergoing an operation, only the one's central, primary and necessary to a successful operation are allowed into the operating room. The less people inside the 'OR' the better. Our lives are the same, when God gets ready to operate on you and in your life, He reduces the number of people to only those necessarily needed to get the job done. He starts to take people away and allow people to leave in order to have a successful operation. Interestingly enough, even family members are sometimes barred from the 'OR', but can sometimes watch from the viewing room. Meaning, they can see what is happening in your life, but they can do nothing about it!

Since the new year.... I've had an old friend, a trusted church member and an intimate friend turn on me...Well, being a 'pop' psychologist and somewhat of a perfectionist (that's one of my pissues! -personal issues), I have been taught well to EMPATHIZE and place myself in the position of others. Feel what they feel, see what they see and conclude from it... I was taught, if you are the common denominator, it just might be you who is the genesis for the problem. So i did. I critiqued myself. I criticized myself. I had others critique and criticize me. I came to the conclusion that sometimes we are the victims, while most times we are part victimizers while being victimized. Whatever the reason, I cannot deny the pain these actions and events have caused in my heart and spirit. A deep burning pain. A haunting pain. The kind of pain that keeps you up at night and consumes your mind during the day. A bewildering pain that keeps you hunting for a reason for the happenings. This is what the enemy wants to create in our minds, hearts and spirits, a distraction from the love and grace of God in our lives. But the Word says, that Jesus Christ said He will keep our minds in perfect peace if we keep our minds focused and stayed on Him.

What is most painful to me is that how we can hurt the most by the ones we love, trust and invest in the most. Those with whom we are most open have the greatest capacity to do us harm. However, we cannot fully experience life behind closed doors, walls and fences. To put it simply, vulnerability breeds intimacy and intimacy breeds vulnerability.

Since the new year, I have been ...used, betrayed and abandoned, in the worst way, from the people I deemed closest to me. Now, I can readily admit, that I believe in the seed time and harvest principle. Whatever we 'sow', in time, we will 'harvest'. The world says it like this, what goes around comes around. The boomerang effect! (note: the cinematic classic 'Boomerang' should be in your DVD collection! classic Eddie Murphy!) Hence, I've had to honestly ask myself, during this season, have I ever covered someone else with the actions I am experiencing from others today. Of course, now all of us can find reasons for what currently befalls us, but with intentionality, I honestly cannot. Yes, I have faults, a whole lot of them, but to intentionally do harm is not my makeup.

I have been used and thereby others in relationship to me have been used as a result, and this in the worst way. I find it very difficult to deal with when hurting me, you hurt others whom I care about. I can handle myself, but don't mess with those around me! I wish I could explain to the extent, but to protect the guilty parties involved, the situation will have to remain general and nameless. Howbeit, it is a dangerous thing to mess with the children of God, especially when you know better. Even the Word says, touch not my anointed and do them no harm. Like Satan in Heaven, wanting to ascend himself to a level above God and recieve all the glory. A purely selfish nature, is a life that is doomed for failure. The Word teaches us that God will not share His glory! It was all about them.

I have been betrayed. All after personally sacrificing, believing in and befriending them by supporting them in their efforts. Like Judas, money was more important than the relationship and maturing process of the soul. In the end, it was too late for Judas for he hung himself in guilt. However, it is never too late for us to turn from ourselves and turn to God. The genius of Christianity is that we can start where we are and Christ will receive us, just as we are.

I have been abandoned by whom I believed would be there, by choice, regardless. Like Peter who said, I will be with you to the end and never deny you, but the end came, the denial happened and they went on their way. The good news in God is that while we denied and walked away from Him, He never denied and walked away from us! Thank the Lord! And the place we will find Him, is the place right where we left Him!

Ultimately, I have learned, beyond my initial shock, anger and now deep hurt (u can see I’m going thru the 'process'), that we can only ultimately depend on and trust in God. Yes, in this life, we will be used in disrespectful ways, betrayed in selfish ways and abandoned in guiltless ways, but it is apart of living life and learning to love. Jesus said it best Himself, "if they will do these things to a green tree, what more will they do to a dry tree?" Meaning, if they will do these things to me, Jesus the Christ, what more will be done to you, man and woman? Jesus was used, betrayed and abandoned. As a matter of fact, Jesus was crucified! Therefore, it is to be expected in our lives. He is our example, not only in how "to" treat others, but also in how we will be treated.

Without learning to love, I would immediately fall into the ...revenge, blame and depressed states of being hurt. However, I am learning to love more, in a most agape way. Agape love is a God-kind of love. It is love without the thought of reciprocity. It is love unconditional. Agape love is giving others what they need most when they deserve it the least! In that, I am learning to turn the other cheek, consistently, not just when it benefits me in the end. I am learning to give more than what has been given, beyond the urge to cut the flow trying to show somebody that I am upset with them. I am learning to pray for those that use me on purpose. I am learning to do good to those who hate me! Haters beware! I am learning to bless those who curse me, without a heart of malice or revenge.However, the pain of trusting and being taken advantage of still looms large in my spirit. But now, instead of wallowing in it and seeking revenge for it, it is now replaced with the love of God in me and for them. I know God loves me and I know that I love Him and I have Godly love for each of them who have used me, betrayed me and abandoned me. It is a pure, non-expectant love. He has done so much for me, that if He never does anything else, He has done more than enough. I know that all things work together for the good of them who love Him... and I do. I love God with all my heart, mind and soul. I love you Lord, for you first loved me and you continue to love me, knowing me through and through. Because of His love for me, I have learned to love the unlovable. John 13:35 says "By this shall men know that you are my disciples, if you have love one for another."

As a result of all of this in the first two months of this year, I am learning the gift of 'release'. Release in two ways. Release to those who choose and want out and release by choice of the things and people that may hold me back in my relationship with Christ. I have learned to release those who want 'to go.' For to keep them, will only result in false love and loyalty. You cannot force someone to be or do what is not in their heart to be or do, but you can free them. The old people used to say, if you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, it was meant to be and if not, God has something better in store for you. Here is something I learned in my readings of the New Testament, Jesus never begged anyone to stay, who made a choice to leave... but if they made the 'choice' to come back, He, like the prodigal's father, received them with open arms as if nothing happened and poured into them His love! We should emulate the same, and receive unconditionally those who 'choose' to return. This is my heart and my peace because somebody in my life, received me unconditionally and continues to pour the love of Christ into my life and for that I am grateful.

The old me used to hold on to things for eternity. This in turn put me in a prison of my own construction, without 'furlough'. Actually, I relegated myself to 'solitary confinement'. Now, I have been released! My self-sentencing has been commuted! When I free others to be who they are, I free me to be who I am and all God wants me to be. I free things to be as they should be and I free things to come to me. Things like real love, pure joy and lasting peace. Things like inner patience and unqualified understanding. Things that matter most in this life.

Monday night, I sat in an office with a group of others along with the person who used me and encouraged them in their spirit, to their face, eye to eye. I have not seen nor heard from the person who betrayed me, but I have prayed for their blessing and prosperity daily since the last time I heard from them. The person who abandoned me has not returned, but I have tried to empathize in order to understand and I have prayed for their maturation, blessing and prosperity daily as well.

Some lessons in life are like pop-quizzes, easily and quickly taken, while other lessons in life are like mid-terms and final exams which take time and effort to complete. I am through the 'multiple choice' section of my mid-term exam and now I’m taking the 'essay' part. I am now 'writing it out' in my own life in my response to them particularly and my in my continued relationship with Christ singularly. He alone will never use you, betray you nor leave you. I have confidence in my relationship with Him because he never changes. He is the same dependable, forgiving and loving God He was yesterday, as He is I need Him to be today and depend on Him to be tomorrow. Thank you for showing me, me! Thank you for allowing me the opportunity for growth and to grow through my own personal painful experiences. Thank you for being there with me, when I felt all alone, despite having others around me. Thank you for forgiving me of my sins, cleansing me of all unrighteousness and giving me another chance and a fresh start, all without holding it against me. Thank you for continuing to bless me throughout the process. Thank you for the destiny you have in store just for going through in the first place. Thank you for my past, my present and for my future!

Use me Lord, to be a blessing to someone else, so that my living and experiences would not have been in vain.

I am thankful for love.

What a mighty God we serve!

Agape,
Pastor P
Making It Great In '08!